Welcome to Sandtraps-on5 - Everything About Golf

Save Me, Glossies, Save Me!

Tag:china toys,glossies
From:http://www.buy-china-toys.com/

A year ago, US writer Cathy Alter was a binge-drinking, sugar-sucking wreck, shagging a feckless colleague called Bruno. Now she is happily married and eating vegetables. How did she did do it? By following the advice of glossy magazines. Every word. She had Elle in her ear, Vogue at her throat and Oprah (O magazine) up her nose. She describes it all in her book Up for Renewal.
On reading it, I puke and puke again. I have agreed with my editor that I will emulate Alter, spending a week following the advice of women's magazines - my nemeses. I despise Tatler, Harper's and all their evil spawn. Whenever I hear the words Style Bible, I reach for my garrote. I blame them for all the evil in the world: greed, bulimia, blusher, but I duly go to the newsagent and find them on the shelves, preening with self-love. I take them home, spread them out and howl, "Save me glossies, save me!" and immediately I see a list of impossible demands. Take your Brain Shopping! Linger over Love Time! Say Goodbye to Fungi! Stop Stress Making you Fat! Think Yourself Happy! Wear a Romper Suit! Decode Your Sex Dreams! Feng-shui Your Arsehole! (OK, I made the last one up.)
And the more I stare at the pages, the more surreal the advice becomes. Cosmo suggests I stop emotionally dumping on my cat: "Is Your Cat Your Counsellor?" Prima suggests that, when tidying, "gather up items left downstairs and take them all up in one go". Thanks Prima! There is, according to Company, a correct way to board a plane. Step 4 is to "eat an avocado".
I suddenly feel disorientated. Am I in my bedroom? Or am I standing in the middle of Wembley Stadium, with 86,000 Jewish mothers shouting at me?
I start at the top, with Tatler. Admittedly, Tatler doesn't really give advice. That is not the point of Tatler. The point of Tatler is to float above you, taunting you with your disgusting plebbiness. This month, Tatler says I should go and buy a solid silver lid for my Marmite, and a 14-carat gold bra. This is not so much a "tip", as an incitement to burning down the Cond Nast building, while wearing cheap clothing, no lip gloss and a smile.
But wait. Tatler also recommends a "Fabulous on High-heels Master Class" given by an ex-ballerina called Sarah Toner. She teaches women how to walk in heels, saving super-stylish fembots from falling over and bashing their brains out on their occasional tables. Now, this is interesting. I have had a pair of 4-inch Gucci spikes in my wardrobe for five years. They are what my sister calls "car shoes". I don't wear them; I use them to kill flies. I put them in my bag and go to see Sarah in her studio near King's Cross.
She is slim and smiling. I wave the shoes at her. I don't think I can possibly learn to walk in them. "We're not going to put the heels on yet," Sarah says, and makes me do some stretching exercises. Afterwards, my body is so relaxed that when I put on the spikes and try to walk, I can do it. Easily. I feel exhilarated. I didn't think that Tatler published anything worth knowing about. I thought it was all Buffy de la Fluffy Muffy marrying Baron Von Wank and laughing at the proles all night long. So I feel slightly angry too.
I turn to that manifesto for malevolent pencil-women: Vogue. Vogue doesn't really seem to have any advice either, except to buy everything you can lift with your spindly arms. This month they are pushing tartan, denim and romper suits, but there is absolutely no point in browsing for designer clothes. They don't make them in my size. How do I know? Because I once walked into a Louis Vuitton store with 1,000 and demanded a dress in a size 16. "Sold out, madam," they sneered. "Don't you want fat people's money?" I screamed back.
Perhaps I should do something with my hair. A friend once told me it resembles the ears of a friendly dog. "Dual texture is one of the season's biggest hair trends," declares Vogue, in its customary splice of malice, advertorial and idiot-speak. The accompanying photograph shows a woman with two hairstyles on her head. The first has been stolen from the corpse of Maria von Trapp. The other is the bottom half of a squirrel.
So I call Toni and Guy, and a few hours later I am dashing through their doors. The stylist snips and blows and tongs, and two hours later my hair is half soup-bowl, half poodle. I look like Jean Harlow. I love it. But as I cycle away from the salon, it rains. My hair whimpers, sobs and hurls itself under a bus. By the time I get home I look like Animal from the Muppets.
But no matter. A new mistress is whispering in my ear. It is Elle. The magazine splays open on a page about breast treatments. The first suggestion is to inject my breasts with "filler". This will inflate them for a whole year. No. So how about a "Thalgo bust modelling treatment"? This involves "the application of an intense thermal mask designed to enhance elasticity and maintain bust firmness". Please, no. I am afraid of beauty therapists. I was once awoken from a massage in Switzerland by one playing a xylophone.
But I go to the Aquilla salon in London's Knightsbridge, where another incredibly smiley woman takes me to a windowless room. I imagine it is the sort of room that Lavrenty Pavlovich Beria tortured people in. I strip off and she exfoliates my breasts with long, sweeping motions, as if she is playing the piano. Then she wraps my breasts in gauze, and smears it with clay. The gauze hardens and when she pulls it off, I have a piece of gauze with an imprint of my breasts on it. Wow. My breasts feel soft. (I cannot believe I am typing this. I cannot believe I am reviewing the elasticity of my breasts.) It's nice. It's fine. But what does it do? What is it for?
And so, onwards, wilting, to Cosmopolitan, the sex-crazed best friend you want to stab in the face. Cosmo does at least have a work ethic between multiple orgasms, between meetings, and she recommends calling Ros at thecareercoach.co.uk, for advice. Ros is an intensely sane sounding Scottish woman. I confess to my chaotic work habits and she analyses them. Apparently, my chaos is "a badge of honour" that makes me feel like "a miracle worker". So we devise some mantras: I choose the slightly Stalinist "Order is Joyful". At the end of the session, I promise to have my printer mended, and to buy some lightbulbs.
And now, to my final glossy - to the pint-sized, arse-kicking, hyper-aggressive dwarf of the magazine world - Glamour. She beckons me with a bright red claw. "I want", she whispers, "for you to call the Glamour Psychic Hotline for a personal and confidential reading with a real psychic for a mere 1.50 a minute from a BT landline." So I telephone the Psychic Hotline, and a man answers. He speaks very softly, and he sounds very tired. "Hello," he says. "I am Martin." Martin says he is going to read my tarot cards. I ask a few questions about marriage prospects, career and my chances of developing lung cancer. He mutters, "Stay where you are at work; I can see double rings in your love life" and he advises me to stop smoking. "You shouldn't smoke. Animals don't smoke". Then he says my energy is "bright". I wonder if he ever tells Glamour readers that their energy is "dull"? What would they do if he did? Buy a new face?
The week is dead. So how do I FEEL? Did the Glossies Eat My Life? Did I Think Myself Mad? Did I Linger Over Suicide? Take My Arse Shopping? Well, the glossies, I have decided, come in three toxic strains. The ones that say you are ugly. The ones that say you are stupid. And the ones that say both. I don't want to be told why I dreamt I shagged Gerard Depardieu; ask yourself what's missing in your own life. I don't want to be told "the top half is the only part of your body seen in a crowd - so make it main priority". I don't believe in the redemptive power of scatter cushions. So goodbye breast exfoliation and romper suits. And hello again, grim life. Oh, how I've missed you.

About the Author

Tag:china toys,glossies
From:http://www.buy-china-toys.com/

"In Association with Amazon"

	David Leadbetter's Faults & Fixes...with Nick Price - Video [VHS] List Price: $29.95 Sale Price: $7.96
	Description Reach Your Full Potential With David Leadbetter And Nick Price! Faults & Fixes has been produced to help you iron out the everyday errors that creep into your game. It will show you how to identify your faults and demonstrate precisely how to correct them...

Hank Haney's Essentials: Swing Band Training System List Price: $29.98 Sale Price: $6.00

Description Sale! Hank Haney's Training System DVD Hank Haney- Swing Band Essentials Training System/DVD features: 60 minutes (one disc) of instruction on the Swing Band Essentials from instructor Hank Haney In Color, Dolby, DVD-Video, NTSC, Widescreen format See where your wrists should be for maximum power Feel what proper grip pressure is supposed to feel like Get your swing on the correct plane in an instant Swing band and pocket guide included About the Instructor: Hank Haney is the most sought-after instructor in golf...

	Golf Magazine Top 100 Teachers: More Consistency List Price: $14.99 Sale Price: $0.75
	Description The Golf Magazine Top 100 Teachers' informative and entertaining DVD boasts countless tips from the nation's top golf instructors whose advice fills the pages of Golf Magazine. Part of a 3-DVD set, More Consistency helps eliminate costly faults and hit more solid shots...

	Wilson Ball Pickup 75 List Price: $29.99 Sale Price: $21.83
	Description Great for gift giving and storage. Some assembly required (tool included)

	Greg Norman's Secret List Price: $19.95 Sale Price: $14.99
	Description The Greg Norman Secret automatically places your hands in the correct position and holds them there thoughout the swing - Automatically. Keeps the right wrist in the correct bent position at impact allowing crisp, long and boring shots.

The Power Leg Strap - Golf Training Aid Sale Price: $19.95

Description Good leg work is an integral part of a correct body turn, and all great players have a good body turn. With this one simple device, you will be locked into the correct position over the right leg (for right handed players) ready to uncoil & strike at the ball with maximum force! Swaying or moving laterally ?off? of the ball makes it virtually impossible to produce consistent results for the average golfer...

Trion:Z Wrist Bracelet

Description Trion Z Dual Loop Magnetic/Ion Bracelets feature: Made with “Stayers,” a unique textile with minus-ion producing minerals woven into the fabric Generates significant, beneficial levels of Minus Ions Produces twenty to fifty times more Minus Ions than competing Ion bracelets Medical grade magnets in a unique patent Alternating North-South Polarity Orientation maximize magnetic field flow Penetrates deeper into tissue fibers and muscle Can be washed and will still maintain its minus-ion producing properties when wet Can be worn while swimming or surfing

putting Out of Your Mind List Price: $24.99 Sale Price: $10.88

Description Bestselling author Bob Rotella, the guru-cum-sports psychologist of choice among the world's top golfers, lines up a perfect double entendre with putting Out of Your Mind. To putt out of your mind--to master this crucial part of the game--you've got to get putting out of your mind--to make it so second nature that you're not actually thinking and stressing once you're standing over the ball...

	Zagat 2007/08 America's Top Golf List Price: $15.95 Sale Price: $1.75
	Description Based on the opinions of thousands of avid golfers, America's Top Golf Courses covers nearly 1,100 of the best public, semi-private and resort courses in the U.S. plus Puerto Rico and the U.S. Virgin Islands...

The Best of the Show: A Classic Collection of Wit and Wisdom List Price: $23.95 Sale Price: $0.01

Description If sports are the dessert of life, Bill Scheft delivers a cream pie to the face. Every week in Sports Illustrated, Scheft delivers his signature brand of sports humor in his renowned column, The Show. This collection features the 100 "Best of the Best" of Scheft's columns, expanded and updated to include the most timely sports one-liners sure to appeal to everyone who considers a good sports joke a perfect compliment to a $4...

Here are some more

Shag Bag

Best Match Items Ending First Newly-Listed Items First Price + Shipping: Lowest First Price + Shipping: Highest First

New Medicus Golf Vision Track Alignment Training Aid $39.99 Time Remaining: 33m Buy It Now for only: $39.99

GOLF Swing Training AID WRIST CORRECT COCKING Tool Brand New $0.98 Time Remaining: 43m

New XXL 10x7 Supersize Golf Practice Net Driving Cage Training AID $49.95 Time Remaining: 1h 24m

GOLF Swing Training AID WRIST CORRECT COCKING Tool Brand New $0.98 Time Remaining: 1h 35m

New XXL GOLF Practice Driving Hitting NET Cage Training Aid driver or irons $46.00 (4 Bids) Time Remaining: 1h 42m

New Manda Golf Tour Sticks Crazy Sticks Swing Training Aid Black White Zebra $12.99 Time Remaining: 1h 52m Buy It Now for only: $12.99

New Manda Golf Tour Sticks Crazy Sticks Swing Training Aid Pink And Black Zebra $14.95 Time Remaining: 1h 52m Buy It Now for only: $14.95

GOLF Swing Training AID WRIST CORRECT COCKING Tool Brand New $0.98 Time Remaining: 2h 29m

New Pendulum Putting Guide Golf Training Aid Practice Aid $9.99 Time Remaining: 2h 32m Buy It Now for only: $9.99

Electric Golf Putting Machine Training System Aids Alignment $7.99 Time Remaining: 2h 40m Buy It Now for only: $10.00

GOLF Swing Training AID WRIST CORRECT COCKING Tool Brand New $0.98 Time Remaining: 3h 23m

Golf Swing Plane Putting Training Aids More GIRs Fewer Putts Lower Scores $4.49 Time Remaining: 4h 6m Buy It Now for only: $4.99

GOLF Swing Training AID WRIST CORRECT COCKING Tool Brand New $0.98 Time Remaining: 4h 15m

New IZZO Golf Putting Pack Practice Bundle 4 Training Aids $42.99 Time Remaining: 4h 46m Buy It Now for only: $42.99

New Manda Golf Tour Sticks Crazy Sticks Swing Training Aid Flames 1 Pair $12.95 Time Remaining: 4h 54m Buy It Now for only: $12.95

GOLF Swing Training AID WRIST CORRECT COCKING Tool Brand New $0.98 Time Remaining: 5h 9m

New XXL 10x7 Supersize Golf Practice Net Driving Cage Training AID $37.01 (18 Bids) Time Remaining: 5h 45m

GOLF Swing Training AID WRIST CORRECT COCKING Tool Brand New $0.98 Time Remaining: 6h 3m

Putter Cross Golf Putting Training Practice Aid $9.99 Time Remaining: 6h 9m Buy It Now for only: $19.99

Putter Cross Golf Putting Training Practice Aid $9.99 Time Remaining: 6h 9m Buy It Now for only: $19.99

Golf Swing Plane Alignment System NICE Training Aid Tour Sticks Putting Aids $17.95 Time Remaining: 6h 29m Buy It Now for only: $17.95

New Morodz Golf Alignment Rods Training Aid Blue 2 Pack $9.95 Time Remaining: 6h 32m Buy It Now for only: $9.95

New Morodz Golf Alignment Rods Training Aid 2 Pack $9.95 Time Remaining: 6h 32m Buy It Now for only: $9.95

New Morodz Golf Alignment Rods Training Aid White 2 PK $9.95 Time Remaining: 6h 32m Buy It Now for only: $9.95

New Morodz Golf Alignment Rods Training Aid Green 2 PK $9.95 Time Remaining: 6h 32m Buy It Now for only: $9.95

Golf Swing Plane Alignment System NICE Training Aid Tour Sticks Putting Aids $17.95 Time Remaining: 6h 34m Buy It Now for only: $17.95

SUPERSIZED GOLF PRACTICE NET DRIVING CAGE TRAINING AID + 12 FREE PRACTICE BALLS $59.95 Time Remaining: 6h 52m

GOLF Swing Training AID WRIST CORRECT COCKING Tool Brand New $0.98 Time Remaining: 6h 55m

Tour Striker Golf 56 Wedge Training Aid+McCord DVD NEW $99.95 Time Remaining: 7h 35m

Tour Striker Golf PRO 7 Iron Training Aid + Gary McCord DVD REGULAR Flex NEW $99.95 Time Remaining: 7h 35m

Thank You.
We hope you found the

Shag Bag

you were looking for.

Tags: Training & Swing Help // Add Comment »