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Family Takes Golf to a New Level

Family Takes Golf to a New Level

Golf is a sport played by the young and the old, the fat and the skinny, the athletic and the uncoordinated, by people of all colors, races and ethnicities.  Golf presents challenges to any player of any level, whether it’s winning a tournament, getting a par, or breaking 100 for the first time.  But if you were to ask golfers in my family what their biggest challenge is: they would reply, “winning the family reunion golf tournament.”

Over the years our family golf tournament has evolved from a “fun” event into a “win-at-any-cost” event.  This past summer I witnessed arguing, ball throwing, club throwing, bogus scores, and a little bit of recreational drinking.  This tournament always seems to be the highlight of our reunion, and somehow manages to bring everybody together even through all the mayhem.  After playing in this event and looking back on it, I realize that golf has taught me many extraordinary things.  I can guarantee Tiger Woods has never learned so much from one tournament, or had more fun for that matter.

The host of the family reunion has the honor of choosing the course that we play.  This year we are at Oneonta Country Club in the heart of New York State.  Our group shows up and immediately the course declines from a five star rating to a three.  It’s truly amazing how twelve people can have such a negative impact on an exquisite piece of land. 

Upon arrival, we invade the driving range and practice green with our untucked shirts and coolers chock-full of beer.  This act scares the rest of the golfers away.  We get our practice in quickly because half of us haven’t golfed all year, and by this point it is August.  Others just want to show off their golf ability to everyone else and try to intimidate.  The intimidation is laughable because we are all family and know each other well, I think to myself, “Who the hell are they kidding?!” 

With the video camera rolling, all twelve of us line up on the first tee.  From famous baseball players to auto mechanics to teachers, we have an assorted mix of golfers and golfing ability.  My great uncle and former baseball player, Frank Malzone, is the father of the four brothers who provide most of the entertainment for the group by being loud, and obnoxiously hilarious.  Videotaping the first tee shots feels like a good idea at this point because it can provide proof and pride for the players after the match.   I witness wormburners, hard slices, duck hooks, and the occasional shot down the fairway.  The video camera is catching all of it, and mass laughter ensues.  The carts that are loaded down with lots of beer filter out to find all the terrible shots, and the match is in progress.  The first hole, along with the last, is an epic scene.

Being in the last foursome, I hear the first group cussing and chanting after they make a putt, or miss it.  I always wonder when the day comes that we get kicked off the course for being loud.  A group of golfers behind us tell me that they are going to call the clubhouse on the groups in front of me because they are playing so slow.  Of course, this gives me a good laugh and I tell them that they are family and I will hurry them along.  We play slow because God forbid we ever lose a golf ball.  

After the front nine there is a barrage of trash talk and lies to each other about our scores.  One group boasts they are nine under, which I find comical because my group is even par and playing well.  At this point the alcohol is getting the best of everyone. I see dirty looks, stares, and rage on the faces of the locals around us.  The club pro must have been thinking that if he can get through this day then he can get through anything.  The back nine starts and I see someone throw their golf ball in the fairway, and then another pick up a putt that was missed.  Nobody wants to lose and we are not afraid to go to any extreme to improve our scores.  We all knew that everybody else is cheating a little bit as well, so why not us too?  After a drunken team members falls face first into the sand trap, I throw my ball out of the bunker to set up a 3 foot birdie shot.

On the final hole the first group sits next to the eighteenth green and hassles the next group that is finishing.  This continues until the last group is finishing with all three other groups putting pressure on them to make this last putt.  I yell the name “Newnan” at a cousin named Jimmy.  He has plagued me with this name my whole life, and now it’s his turn.  The infamous putter throw comes after he pushes the ball past the hole.  If only he could handle pressure situations.  The putter throw act riles everybody up and starts even more comical remarks and laughter.  I hear, “Hey Jimmy, if you lost fifty pounds and acted more like an adult I’d mistake you for Happy Gilmore.”  The match comes to a close after that climax.  I don’t even know who won because everyone is so content with lying about their score at this point.

From this event I learned that my family is very competitive.  Probably too competitive for playing a gentlemen’s game.  I learned that former baseball players that are eighty years old can still hit the golf ball like Ben Hogan in his prime.  I learned that some people are hot heads, drunks, comedians, and occasionally good golfers.  The most important part of this event is that everyone always has fun.  We can all look back on this event and think about it for an entire year. Sometimes though, the worst part is reflecting, and knowing you can’t change the outcome for another year.  As one of the youngest player in this event, I look forward to many more intense competitions between all of us for years to come.  I also look forward to the continued entertainment, which I’m positive will not be a problem. 

About the Author

Patrick McMullen has been playing golf since the days he could barely walk. He played his first round of golf at age 4 and has not stopped since. He is a member of Oneonta Country Club in Oneonta, New York and plays nonstop on weekends.

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