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A Michigan Mother's Custody Injustice

I have never done anything like this before.  I have never been in a desperate situation where I am in a soundproof bubble, and the system doesn't hear me. They see me, but they pretend I am not there.  This is the Michigan Family Law and Friend of the Court Division.  It is our system; the one we are suppose to count on for freedom, justice, and liberty. It is my prayer that you read through to the end. Although this is my hell and my grief, this story must be heard.  Please feel free to leave comments and post the story in to your blogs and various social marketing venues. It is imperative that we use our voices; otherwise, this will continue to happen to mothers who don't deserve it. Justice needs to prevail, I must get my daughter back, and the biased officials involved in my case need to be reprimanded. This must climb up the political ladder and reach the steps of the Supreme Court. I can not get there alone. (The people and events have been changed to protect the innocent, and that any similarities to actual persons, either living or dead, are merely coincidental. Names have not been used).

I am a wife and mother of four amazing children. We are an American white collar, middle-class family. I am so fortunate and thankful that we own a beautiful 2,500 square foot home that backs up to the 4th green of a prestigious golf course. I wasn't always of this status, most people aren't.  We start somewhere, and then gradually improve ourselves with the combination of time, effort & experiences. I consider myself ordinary. I, like most of you, have experienced meaningful relationships.  I've been hurt.  I've failed and given up on things. I've traveled extensively, I've gone to college.  I am a deep thinker, a reader, and I am gentle. I love nature and respect its wrath.  I am not religious, but am deeply spiritual. I am passionate about loving and caring for my children. I am always searching....searching for truth, for mindfulness, for authenticity. I am searching for the path that will ultimately be the "dash"....you know, that little mark on a gravestone that is between the day you were born and the day you passed....that's the dash I am referring to.

I would ask, are you much the same? Probably. I am thankful that we can redeem ourselves throughout our lifetime; to make better decisions, to course-correct, and to leave a footprint that we can be proud of.

So, why am I writing about custody injustices?

On January 22, 2009, I lost custody of my 9 year old daughter; the oldest of four. I didn't lose custody because of abuse, or because of illness, or because I was unwilling to care for her. I didn't lose custody because of drugs or alcohol, or because of a lack of interest and participation in her social and educational needs. I didn't lose custody because I couldn't provide her with clothing, food, housing, or emotional support.  I lost her because of an incompetent court system with which accountability to a higher court or official is unlikely. Records are so tightly sealed in the Michigan Family Court System, that the likelihood of reprimand and justice is as likely as the sky turning yellow tomorrow.

I was under the disillusionment that a mother who is unfit or unwilling to parent could lose custody of a child. I never dreamed that a mother who was competent, loving, stable, and willing could lose their child.

I solely raised my daughter and was completely alone during my pregnancy. Her father and I parted ways because he had some severe addictions to overcome and I didn't want any part of it. When I told him about the pregnancy (which was right away), he denied responsibility. He began accusing me of being promiscuous. His parents and sister were unaware of his addictions for the most part (they knew he used drugs, but they didn't know to what extent), and they too began to propose that the baby wasn't his. Their determination to prove the child was not his went so far as to place phone calls to Obstetricians to gauge date-of-conception with reported due date. Over the next several months, I began to look inside of myself and had to make some pretty grown-up decisions.

I finally moved back to Michigan with my family when I was 34 weeks gestation.  I felt that it was the best thing I could do for myself and my unborn child.  I would be in a safe, moral, and loving home, receiving unconditional support.  Love and support is what I needed, and I wasn't getting it in Indiana. My unborn child's father was still backing out of the responsibility and I came to accept that we would be alone.  I was about to embark upon "single parenthood", a journey that would shape me in to the person I longed to be, a journey that would be so treacherous at times, it would test my endurance down to the nucleus of my being. Even so, I was ready to take it on .

I never married her father. After my daughter was born, I re-met a man I knew when I was a child and got pregnant again.  I was on birth control when this happened and was devastated to be in this situation again. I married him 7 months later, had yet another child and we divorced when our youngest was 2. If I don't have you disgusted by now, it gets worse. I got pregnant again with someone who became the love of my life, before our divorces were final. OUCH! If you are thinking we cheated on our ex-spouses, think again. That is not why our previous marriages dissolved, but amidst our divorces, we met and became attracted to one another. I ended up marrying for the last time, and the rest is history.

Regarding my last surprise pregnancy, in my mind then and still to this day almost 6 years later, I believe that the responsible and right action to take with regards tomy situationwas to carry this pregnancy full term whether it was socially accepted or not. No person or court should be given the right to impose their conviction as an absolute rule if a law has not been broken. For some unreasonable single dimensional process of thought, our society so eagerly conforms to; I was labeled as immoral (by the court), years later.  I haven't done anything that everyone else isn't doing.  Hello, people have sex.  Some get pregnant, others don't.  It's the women who get pregnant that are at a disadvantage.  Think about it...when you have a big balloon belly, the evidence that you engaged in sexual activities is plain and clear. If you are on effective birth control, nobody thinks about it.  For a man, there is no visual indication that he is engaging in sexual activities.  It is only the pregnantwoman who endures the "immoral" label.  Because she's pregnant and unwed, she must be promiscuous. That, unfortunately, is the punishment our society and system have placed on women.

By the time our daughter was 18 months old, my friendship with her father was on the mend, and for the next 7 years I considered him a best friend. I put a great deal of thought into the life my child would have without her parents getting along and being supportive of one another.  With all of my selfish might, I didn't want to bite the bullet, but it wasn't about me me me anymore. He stopped using drugs, and even stopped smoking.  The court verified parentage through DNA testing (ordered by the court to begin collecting child support and recover hospital costs that Medicaid initially paid). It wasn't until she was 2 years old that he began paying child support, and his arrears neared $3,000.00.

It was in an earlier court occurrence when our daughter was 5 months old, that he would lie under oath for the first time stating that he provided for his daughter financially, and saw her regularly.  He petitioned a motion preventing me from leaving the state of Michigan with the daughter he denied was his.  At this time paternity was not established, nor was a court order for parenting time and/or support entered. That didn't happen until she was 14 months old. The Judge ruled in the father's favor and I was not to move our child's residence out of the state of Michigan.

Over the next 8 years, life continued.  My family was complete, I found my lifelong partner, I ran my own successful company, and subscribed to an intense leadership development program.  I coordinated and hosted charitable benefits for our local Child Abuse and Neglect Council, regularly met with and mentored with my children's school district superintendent and principals about topics such as leadership and parenting, and was invited to be a guest speaker for career days.  I am deeply involved in my children's education and offer to volunteer at their schools.  Each week, I meet with them individually over their lunch hour.  These are our special "dates".

It is not my intention to toot my own horn.  I just want you to be able to measure my involvement.  While this is just from an educational standpoint, the level of involvement carries over in to every facet of their lives.

Here is where my life turned a corner:

I received notification on June 25, 2008 that the non-custodial parent petitioned the court for a change of custody. In Michigan, there are 12 factors considered in determining the "best interest of the child". It is basically a game....whomever receives the most points wins.

I was completely blind-sided.  There was as a petition before me requesting a change of custody due to abuse and a lack of financial resources. I can't even begin to convey my shock and disbelief at this nonsense.  Here was an erroneous testimony alleging that I abused my daughter physically, frequently cursed at her, would scream uncontrollably, and was unable to financially support extra-curricular activities such as gymnastics for her.

I was scratching my head, wondering if this was a cruel prank.

In April 2008 for the first time ever since a support order was entered, I requested that the court considers a review for child support. Because the father lives in Indiana, this complicates orders with regards to child support.  He doesn't pay what Michigan's standards are, although my daughter and I resided in Michigan.  He pays according to Indiana's formulations which are considerably lower.  Our child was no longer a baby, and the cost of her daily upkeep had increased over the past 7 years.

I received a call from him days later confronting me about requesting the review. When I told him that indeed, I requested the review, it changed everything.  Our friendship turned a corner, and paybacks came in the form of a change of custody motion on June 25, 2008.

An order for mediation was entered.  This is a "service" that is provided under the umbrella of the Friend of the Court.  This mediator is not bound by family law standards and is absolved from possible lawsuits that could result from their recommendations....right, wrong, or indifferent. In other words, if your mediator is incompetent (to put it nicely), you can not file a claim against him/her as a result. They are untouchable.  How convenient.

Of the 12 factors, in a truthful and transparent world, I would be favored solely on 8 factors and we would equally share 4 factors. The only way it would be possible for us to share on 4 factors was a direct result of my conviction that my daughter and her father would need to spend more time together than what the court was ordering. A normal parent/child bond would have been impossible with one weekend per month (that was the courts order).

Unfortunately, this isn't a truthful and transparent world.  It is a world sadly full of selfish, unaware, scathing people (and many of them are in politics).

My thoughts going in to mediation, was that she (the mediator) would instantly see that the plaintiffs testimony was far-fetched.  I had confidence that the mediator would be intelligent, would have an eye and ear for inconsistencies, and could be able to accurately decipher between truth and untruth.

Moreover, as it is a part of my way of communicating, I never thought twice about using metaphors, analogies, or directives.  Intelligent discussion about the facts regarding my relationship with both my daughter and her father were botched entirely in the written recommendation drawn by the mediator.

An example of 1 of the countless severely skewed pieces of conversation is as follows:

I was sharing with the mediator how out of my 4 children, each of them has very different personalities....same parent....4 different personalities.  I grabbed this analogy I am about to share from a motivational leadership speaker. The talk this speaker gave was titled "Buffalo's and Butterflies". I said to the mediator, "I have 4 children.  I can best describe them this way: 2 are butterflies....happy, bouncy, and fluttery.  I also have a mosquito....this little guy is always attached to me, either on my hip or on my lap.  Then, I have my buffalo.  She has a strong will, is hard to budge once her mind is made up, and is sometimes just plain stubborn".

What I said and the context in which I said it was not conveyed the same way in the recommendation.  The mediator writes this on the final recommendation: "This mother refers to her child as a bull!"

That's it.  Would you say she accurately relayed my statement?

Here is another account:

I was asked why I might be opposed to my daughter living with her father. Because there is not just a single answer to that question, one of my reasons was: "My daughter is an extremely bright child. She is getting her education from one of the top schools in the state.  The children are tested in to the school and it is a school dedicated to creative arts and academic giftedness.  My daughter is surrounded each day by cultural diversity, and higher learning.  These children are positioned to attend any university in the country.  My daughter has the potential to be a brain surgeon. In the Amish community her father lives in, the percentages of people completing grade school are numbered.  If they do graduate, they go on to work in the local trailer factories, farms, or grocers.  My daughter can be so much more than that.  Her father, grandfather, and great-grandfather all worked for the family excavating business. Her education here will help to position her for a life more successful than the one I had.

This is what the mediator wrote in the recommendation: "This mother's reason for not wanting her child to live in Indiana is because she said her daughter will grow up to be nothing more than a grocery store clerk if she lives with her dad".                         She left out all of the other reasons I gave, such as that she has 3 younger siblings in the home....how might it change their lives to no longer have their sister with them?

Here is another:

In an attempt to defend myself from hurtful and untruthful allegations of premiscuity, I shared with the mediator that I have only had a handful of relationships, each were deeply meaningful.  I told her that at least I knew the names of people I shared my bed with, whereas my daughter's father did not. He lost his virginity in a different country whilst in a drunken stupor.  He didn't know the girl...not even her name. Following our daughter's birth, he frequented the gentleman's clubs and paid for sexual pleasures.

This is how the mediator worded it in her recommendation: "The minor child's mother said knew the names of the men she laid with". Nothing further was written regarding this conversation. This bit of conversation was placed in the recommendation under the moral fitness of the parents factor.  He was favored on this factor.  Also, while in court, the father's attorney asked me: "you told the mediator that you knew the names of the men you laid with?". Then she gave this little conniving laugh and used body language intended to intimidate. It still makes my skin crawl to this day. I said, "yes, but".....then she interrupted and said: "It was a yes or know answer".  I was not allowed to finish.

There are more...many, many more accounts of poor and inaccurate note taking. Most of my testimony was not reflected in the final recommendation.  It is my belief that the mediator had her mind made up within minutes of our introduction.

Rewinding to the first day of interviewing: I wasn't prepared for the 4 hour long bash-fest I was about to embark upon when I entered the mediators office along with my daughters father. I thought that the mediator would systematically discuss each factor with us and allow us each a turn to share our side. That is not what happened. No sooner did she explain her protocol and the bantering began.  This man had been well-rehearsed by his attorney on what to say and when to say it.  I on the other hand was not.  My attorney advised me to be honest and transparent.

It became evident nearly immediately that he had been practicing his every word.  He also knew exactly everything the mediator was going to ask.  As a matter of fact, he answered everything before it was asked, right down the line. He came up for air after 4 hours.

All I could manage was frequent protests. I could not get a word in edgewise, nor was I given the opportunity to. He was assailing blame and resentment, of which nothing had a speck of truth. The mediator wrote down everything he was saying, and it carried over in to the final recommendation. She did not and could not verify anything he was alleging, because none of it had truth.

My thoughts were literally spinning in my head.  Where did this all come from? How did he come up with it? Wait, some of these characteristics are his, not mine, but he's blamingme? This must be a very bad dream!  He laid out pages upon pages worth of erroneous bull crap, and now, all I was left with was the hope that this mediator would see through it.

Because we weren't even close to finishing the interview/interrogation, another time was scheduled....this time, we went in separately. I was much more comfortable with that. When I sat with the mediator, she went through each factor with me. The interview lasted about 1 1/2 hours and during that time, she jotted down some notes only a handful of times.  That alarmed me.

When my ex was being interviewed alone, it gave him the opportunity to pull more awful allegations about me out of his magical bag.  This time without my protests.

I will tell you, my feelings about him took a fast U-turn. This is a person who praised me as an individual and as a parent over the past 7 years, a person who called me on almost a daily basis just to chat, a person who I re-opened my heart back up to as a friend and opened my home up to on weekends he came to pick up our daughter but the roads were too bad to travel on, a person who called me his best friend.

I  realized that he was either a person who was wearing a facade all those years, planning all along to make this move, or it was the sudden new relationship and engagement he was in that triggered this. It is really something to witness...selfishness that is. We all have it, but for some, it goes through a sort of metamorphosis.  When you give selfishness wings, it can and will go anywhere.  It will plow down anything and everything that gets in its way and it won't look back, because it doesn't have a conscience.

I knew based on the final recommendation that he continued during his private interview to throw some additional fictitious details out there for the record.

In the end, the non-custodial father was in favor on all 12 factors.  The Friend of the Court Mediator didn't favor me on a single one.  His testimony became the "hard evidence" needed to gain sole physical custody.

During the final court hearing, my attorney blasted holes through the plaintiff's testimony and she devalued the mediator's recommendation by means of witnesses and hard documentation. The school principal and teachers were witnesses, my husband, and my mother. My attorney pointed out one inconsistency after the other. She went through each factor, line-by-line and anyone with even a pea-sized brain would conclude that the allegations lacked evidence, some were even humorously ridiculous, and the recommendation made by the friend of the court mediator was void of evidence and was drawn purely from one-sided hearsay.

I lost custody of my daughter that day.  My children lost their sister.  The same leniency and generosity I afforded her dad all those years was not afforded to me (with every other weekend visits, extended summer breaks, and sharing all school breaks). The judge was a breath away from revoking my joint legal custody rights and verbalized this in the final seconds of his judgment.

It's been 10 months since custody was lost.  Our lives have changed so much, and so has my daughters. Everything single thing that favored her father by the mediator either never existed or existed only for a moment, long enough to get it on the record. I was awarded one weekend per calendar month. I am responsible to drive to Indiana to pick her up on that Friday and we get home at around 8 pm. We have all of Saturday to reconnect, and then she's whisked away early Sunday afternoon. I don't get to see her at all for the remaining 2009 holidays, nor for the first half of 2010 holidays. We live 156 miles apart, and in Michigan, if parties live more than 150 miles apart, they by default are granted only 1 visit per month (over a weekend). While the judge knew I let him have every-other-weekend visits with our daughter, he did not feel impelled or kind enough to afford me the same.

She is being raised by her single father whose engagement was called off shortly after the custody was changed. His relationship fell apart completely and his fiance and her young child moved out.  My daughter who is now 10 doesn't have a maternal influence on a daily basis, just 1 1/2 days per month.  No one to sit down with to discuss "girl things", no mumma to play with her hair, or tuck her in snug-as-a-bug-in-a-rug at night, no mumma to have "spa nights" with (this is when we get out all of our beauty goodies and do makeovers and pedicures). Daughters need their mother's. Forty-eight hours per month is abusive and does not aid in embracing a mother/daughter bond.  It is not even close to being enough time!

If I had to do it all over again, I wouldn't change a thing.....except I would have brought a voice recorder to the Mediation interview. It should be required by state law that the testimony given at mediation be audio taped.

I have learned a lesson that has perhaps hardened me, but has also been a huge eye-opener:
Transparency, truth, and integrity doesn't always prevail. Sometimes it takes being dirty and cunning to get to the top. For me, I lost something irreplaceable and precious....but, I didn't lose my integrity.

Nothing ever became of the request for child support review in late April 2008 that stemmed his move for custody in June 2008.  When I contacted the child support division in Indiana on numerous occasions prior to losing custody, they would tell me that they haven't reviewed the case yet.  I called right up until the day I lost my daughter.  After the change of custody was ordered, I received a letter from their office stating that because custody has changed, there would be no need for review.

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